Thursday, February 18, 2016

My Miscarriages

My Miscarriages

As of Halloween week of 2015, we have had 6 live births and 5 miscarriages.  There has been great joy with the live births for our family; but sadness, emptiness, discouragement, frustration, guilt, and also joy with our miscarriages.  The joy is the part that I wish to focus on.  The joy was not in relief to lose a baby, but rather joy, after I listened to the Lord teach me the purposes of the individual miscarriage.

My first three were consecutive miscarriages between my oldest and second children.  I was so young and inexperienced.  I had a very hard time finding comfort.  I read lots and lots of things about miscarriage, and the only thing that brought peace to me was when I read experiences that woman had had when the Lord revealed to them about their specific circumstances.  They were all unique to them, which I loved because we are all unique.  Sometimes I read of the miscarried spirit coming back in another pregnancy of theirs (or even in the next generation of their line), while other times the miscarried spirit remained in heaven.  Even though I loved reading those experiences, I felt like I just wasn’t good enough to receive my own personal revelation about my specific circumstances and just left it as is.  (Sarah Hinze is the writer that helped me.  I can't find the original post about her miscarriage experiences, but here is one that she wrote about her miscarriages that is awesome

It was not until years later, that I learned about my specific circumstances in my miscarriages.  It became more that the spirit that had miscarried wanted me to know that he existed, in heaven, and was part of our family.  This spirit flooded my mind with memories of times when he was with me and our family, helping our family.  We had felt help from the other side of the veil, but had no idea it was him.  

One day as I drove, he whispered to me that his name was Aaron and the next couple of days taught me the meaning of his name.  In the Book of Mormon, there was a man named Aaron who was next in line to be the king, but gave up his throne so that he could preach to the wicked Lamanites.  Our Aaron wanted me to know that just like Aaron in the Book of Mormon gave up his right to the throne, he gave up his opportunity to come to the earth so that he could be a missionary to those who had died without understanding Christ and His message.  Every single ounce of despair that had been felt by losing a pregnancy, immediately washed away.  I felt an over-abundance of joy that Aaron was our son and that he was fulfilling the best possible purpose that he could be fulfilling for himself, Heavenly Father, and our family.

I also learned that one of the miscarriages was our son, Spencer.  He came back in my 5th pregnancy and we are so grateful that he is with our family.  There are no words for how much I love my dear, sweet Spencer.  Miscarrying him also brought the great blessing of being very appreciative of him once he was finally born.   

Fast forward to 2015, we have 6 children in our home, and the Lord told us it was time to have more children and to not delay.  We did so on the Lord’s timing, but miscarried 2 times in a row.  

When I started to miscarry the 4th time, I was feeling despair and panic.  I thought why can’t everything just be peachy keen with this pregnancy.  I said a prayer, and the spirit said, “You must go through this so you can teach others through your example.”  I am not going to lie, I didn’t like the answer (was hoping for, "No worries, you're not going to miscarry).  My husband gave me a Priesthood blessing by the laying on of hands.  The thing that really stood out to me from the blessing was the words to stop worrying about what others think and to “not fear man, but fear God.”  I know that in the blessing, the Lord was trying to tell me to not worry about what others may say about sharing/talking about the taboo topic of miscarriage that He wanted me to talk about.  I am not writing it for those critics, but rather for those that the Lord knows needs to gain some healing in their own circumstances.  I know that I am beyond grateful for those who have shared their experiences, which have led me to my own answers.  I really truly believe that as we seek answers in our own circumstances, the Lord will reveal them to each of us, in His timing.  

Even after learning so much from my other miscarriages, I honestly felt a little jaded for a bit after my 5th miscarriage (I am very imperfect!).  I felt like we did what the Lord wanted us to do in getting pregnant on His timing, but still miscarried, and felt it was unfair.  I studied the scriptures and listened to General Conference talks to help me get rid of the negative thoughts.  As I did so, my mind filled with the Lord reminding me of special spiritual experiences our family had had regarding our unborn children and knew that these miscarriages were to bless our family and these specific spirit children.  I was filled with peace and joy.  Sometimes it is hard to see why the Lord has us go through trials, but sometimes those trials are to bless us in ways we can’t even comprehend.  When we turn to Him and seek His answers, He helps us understand.  But we must be teachable, and turning in anger, blocks revelation (I know that all too well).   

I don’t know everything about all of my miscarriages, but as I turned from my anger and towards him, I learned that in Oct. of 2015, the Lord chose to allow another spirit, Jeremy (name that Stuart and I separately felt prompted was his name), to join our family and return quickly to Him.  I don’t know specifically what his purpose/mission is, but have felt that while he will remain in heaven, his mission differs from Aaron's.  I do know that he loves the Savior very, very much and that his purpose is to bless, which brings JOY!  When someone brings up that we have 6 children, in my mind I think well, actually 8 because Aaron and Jeremy are very much a part of our family.  I know that the Lord truly desires greatly to bless us, which brings joy!

This is picture is of all of our babies, along with representations of Aaron (the missionary statue) and Jeremy (the young child with the Savior plaque).

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