MY SECOND CHANCE AFTER AN ABORTION

In 2006, I learned something about myself that I have shared with a few people over the years, but have always kept it very secret.  I kept it secret because I knew that people would think I was crazy, and worried what they would think of me.  But also because I felt like the Lord wanted me to keep it to myself until the time was right.  Last night and today it has been so overwhelmingly clear that the Lord wants me to share mine and my mother's story about ABORTION.  I feel like I am to share it to give comfort to those who may have had similar experiences but not been able to understand why.  And also to give comfort to those who have aborted...because I believe very strongly that God still loves you and is willing to forgive.  MOST IMPORTANTLY THOUGH, I SHARE THIS TO PROTECT THE INNOCENT SPIRITS THAT ARE TAKEN IN ABORTION!  IT IS MY HOPE AND PRAYER THAT INDIVIDUALS WILL BE MORE PRAYERFUL WHEN MAKING SUCH SERIOUS DECISIONS LIKE THIS.

So here is our story....

Mother: When I was pregnant with my daughter, I had a dream where her form stretched out in my skin. I could see she was in pain and troubled. I held her in my arms and comforted her. When I awoke I was quite troubled and sought the advice of my doctor. The doctor advised against an amniocentesis as there were risks.  So I asked my husband to give the baby a blessing by the laying on of hands.  She was born shortly thereafter as a healthy baby.  As our daughter grew I realized that the dream did not mean that anything physically was wrong, but emotionally.  She had many terrors and self doubt as she grew up. I spent many hours on my knees asking for ways I could help her have peace and in what ways I could help her know who she really is.

Daughter:  I remember being a little girl and being terrified to go to sleep because I had awful night terrors.  I would dream about snakes being all around me and I was terrified they would touch me.  I would wake up and see snakes slithering all around me in the air.  I was also convinced that there were evil spirits all around me and would scream for my Mom.  I was extremely fortunate because my Mom seemed to always rescue me.  As I grew up the fear of snakes and evil spirits continued. 

My fears didn’t make sense though because I had never had a traumatic experience with either snakes or evil spirits.  I couldn’t even handle rubber snakes or pictures of snakes.  Even as an adult, I had a panic attack when rubber snakes were thrown on me at work when I was 19.  The worst part was that they actually touched me.  I was so traumatized that I had to have my Dad give me a blessing by the laying on of hands to comfort me and help me have the courage to return to work.  In the blessing my Dad talked about Satan and not so much snakes.  He said, “Satan may have power to bruise your heal, but you have power to crush his head.”  I always knew that I had a fear of both of these things, but it was the first time that I really started realizing that my fear of snakes and evil spirits were linked together.  

Besides those two fears, I was extremely anxious and always worried that people did not like me or want to be with me.  I felt like I was not good enough to be loved.  These feelings did not make sense though because my parents loved me so much and were so proud of me.  They treated me like I was the best at everything, even though I certainly wasn’t.  They had so much faith in my abilities to do anything.  Family members, classmates, friends, and teachers were usually very nice to me also.  So it just didn’t make sense why I had these feelings.  My mom often asked me if someone had hurt me or sexually abused me because my behavior screamed that something was emotionally wrong with me.  But I never had been and said so.  I had periods of anxiety over these things and then other times when I felt confident in myself and my abilities.

When I was a teenager I went to get my patriarchal blessing, which is a blessing that gives you insight into your life and helps you understand your purpose in life.  My older brother had gotten his awhile before and they were talking about what a wonderful blessing it was.  But for me, I was terrified to go.  I was shaking because I was convinced that the Patriarch was going to tell me how awful I really was.  I was so embarrassed that my parents would hear how awful the Lord thought I was.  As the patriarch began, the first thing he talked about was my fear to come to this earth.  My Mom was very emotional during the blessing and I know it gave her a lot of comfort and helped her understand better the meaning of her dream when she was pregnant with me.  Sometimes these paragraphs in my Patriarchal Blessing have given me comfort that Heavenly Father really knows me and loves me.  But other times, it has made me feel like a freak. 

In 2006 I was having a couple weeks in which I was feeling like a freak and worthless.  I was a young wife and mother and preparing for a lesson for our youth at church.  I was using Sister Tanner’s LDS General Conference talk on the Sanctity of the Body, in which she talks about how we rejoiced to come to this earth to receive a body.  I started to get very sad because I knew that I did not rejoice to come to this earth.  I knew from my patriarchal blessing that I was afraid to come to earth because of Lucifer.  I was sad for days thinking that I was not very noble in our pre-earth life because I did not rejoice to come to this earth, but rather feared it.  I always told our youth how noble and special they are for being saved for these latter-days; therefore, I knew that I did not belong as their teacher.  I did not talk about this with anyone, not even the Lord. 

A couple of weeks later, I got my early Christmas gift from my older brother…a book called “Songs of the Morning Star” by Sarah Hinze.  My brother and I haven’t really felt very close throughout our lives and he had been praying to find a book that would bring us closer.  I was about to put it on the shelf to collect dust like most of the books that are given to me, when I opened the book up to the center and read one of the stories.  I was completely drawn to the book and felt the Spirit very strongly as I read it. 

One particular story was about a boy that had an intense fear of fire, while having never experienced any trauma with fire.  Through some amazing experiences, he and his mother learned that he had experienced being thrown into a fire during an abortion performed by an angry boyfriend.  This story struck a very strong cord with me.  I started to wonder if I had been an aborted baby.  It seemed to me that this book was Heavenly Father’s way of comforting me and helping me understand why I had so many fears and anxiety before I came to this earth and why I have them now.  I called my Mom and told her about the book and asked her if she thought that I had been aborted.  She did not know, but said that she would pray about it. 

My Mom is a very strong spiritual woman.  As she pondered and prayed about this specific question, she could see in her mind a friend of hers that was pregnant with me.  This person would get drunk while I was in her womb.  While she was intoxicated, evil spirits in the form of snakes would enter her body and swim around me and terrify me.  My Mom was taught by the Spirit that when people are intoxicated with alcohol and drugs, evil spirits can enter their bodies.  My Mom was thrown off by this particular friend having a pregnancy end in abortion.  She talked to her friend’s sister who said that she had in fact had an abortion when she was a teenager.  She had gotten pregnant with a married man and he insisted she have an abortion.  Very few people knew about the abortion, and certainly not my Mom or me. 

My Mom called me and very hesitantly told me what she had learned.  She was very worried that by me learning this I would feel sad and rejected.  It was the opposite though.  It brought me so much healing.  A few short weeks before this, I had questioned my nobility and doubted my ability to do the things I have been asked to do.  Heavenly Father knew that it was time for me to find out why I had great fear when I left their presence.  I no longer felt like a freak.  I felt immensely blessed to have been reassigned to my Mom and Dad who loved me unconditionally and wanted me.  

I wanted to see what my Mom saw and so I asked the Lord if I could see it as well.  The Holy Ghost whispered, "No, you can't handle the trauma again.  Just trust your Mom."  There was my answer.  I knew she was right.

I do not hold ANY contempt or ill feelings towards the person that had aborted me.  In fact when I first found out that it was her I only felt love for her.  I have always loved her and always felt a closeness to her.  Even though I have not seen her in many years, finding this out has only made me feel closer to her.  I forgive her and know that she was in a difficult time in her life.  I know that Satan is very evil and very convincing.  Satan would have us think that there are no consequences for our choices.  But that just is not true.  I know that the choices we make affect so many lives including the unborn and those we are pregnant with.

While I have a very keen awareness of Satan’s evilness, I have a very strong testimony of a very loving and kind Heavenly Father.  We are all His children.  He wants all of us to return to live with Him, which is why He sent His Only Begotten Son to atone for our sins, for our pains, for our illnesses, for our sorrows.  When Jesus Christ was in the Garden of Gethsemane He felt every last pain and sin that each one of us have ever experienced.  He is the only One who knows what it is like to walk in our shoes, which is why He is the only One that knows how to Succor us or how to help us.  Each one of us is covered under the atonement, if we will only partake of it.  I know that turning to the Savior and using the atonement is how we can return to live with God forever, even after having an abortion or being the aborted one