For years I have known about a little boy named Daniel in heaven waiting to come to earth. I have had dreams about this little dark-haired, blue-eyed boy and I just love him so much. Through the years I have felt this overwhelming feeling like he wanted to be part of our family. When I was pregnant with Susanna, I kind of reasoned a little bit with the Lord that maybe he could come to one of my children because 8 was already a lot and I would be an awesome Grandma to him. The Lord was so calm, but firm that Daniel really wanted to come through me. He helped me know that although I don’t remember it now, I had a very strong bond with him in heaven before I was born and when I lived there as a spirit child and that I would so regret not having him. My doctor was extremely upset with me when I told him that I just couldn’t get my tubes tied because I knew I wasn’t done.
Fast forward and I got pregnant after Susanna and was so
excited that Daniel was coming. But that he was actually a she, our sweet Sarah
Rose (that is a big story in itself). Then
the first week of June 2022, I learned I was pregnant. I was beyond ecstatic and was feeling excited
for my last pregnancy and most importantly the hopes of Daniel finally coming
to our family.
On July 2nd, after having a wonderful princess
party for Susanna’s birthday, I started to bleed. I sat in a recliner in Sarah’s room just
feeling numb and wanting to be alone. It
was very quiet, and I just sat there blank.
Then I heard a little voice say, “Fight for me. Fight for me.
Fight for me.” I knew it was
Daniel and it brought me so much hope. I
thought, I am not going to miscarry again.
I stayed off my feet and rested a ton for a day, but I had had 5
previous miscarriages and knew that I was going to miscarry. I finally did on Spencer’s birthday July 12th. I was OK because I just felt like I was going
to “Fight for him” and just get pregnant again.
I was very busy with getting Spencer ready for his mission and helping comfort
my dear Summer after a broken engagement and back seated Daniel thinking it
would all work out in another pregnancy.
Stuart, my Mom, and I have all worried about the toll 8 c-sections
had already taken on my body and one more just scared us all. But I really wanted to do what the Lord
wanted us to do, like 100%, not deviating in the least about something this
important and eternal. My body was able
to handle the others so why not this one.
Stuart, however, felt like the miscarriage was our last pregnancy and
that Daniel would be like his miscarried brothers Aaron and Jeremy, remaining
in heaven. I kept shoving it aside as I
was so focused on my oldest two children and their needs.
At the end of July, we all went to the temple for Spencer’s
first time before his mission. It was a
beautiful experience, yet painful as we could all feel how much pain our
darling Summer was in from the devastation of a broken engagement. My Mom went home and had been pondering/praying
how to help Summer because we were all so worried about her and the immense pain
she was going through. As my Mom thought
on how to help Summer, the answer came that Daniel would help her, in fact that
was his purpose on the other side of the veil to help his siblings and family
as a guardian angel. It meant a lot, but
I wasn’t 100 percent sure about what Stuart and my Mom had said.
I kept thinking Daniel said “Fight for me.” It took me a few days to process and really
take some time to pray about it, but finally felt overwhelming peace that Daniel
was going to do just what Stuart and my Mom said he was going to do and I felt
great joy/relief that my baby factory has done it’s job for the final time with
that pregnancy.
Stuart and I call our kids the olders (Summer, Spencer, Nephi),
middles (Benson, Keith, Adam), and the littles (David, Susanna, and Sarah
Rose). Stuart came up with adding the
Celestials (Aaron, Jeremy, and Daniel).
I pretty much love the ring of our Olders, Middles, Littles, and Celestials.
I can’t help but think of the absolute self-lessness of
Daniel to wait to come in my last pregnancy allowing all of those siblings to
come before him and realizing we may have chosen differently…to not have him. I think that “Fight for me” had different
meaning than I originally thought.
Perhaps it meant fight for him by doing everything I can to keep my
covenants to be an eternal family. I definitely will fight for him!
